I feel like an absolute shitlord. I push people away who are only trying to help. I cant let people in because im scared theyll hurt me like so many people have before. I cant accept help because I cant ask for it in the first place. I finally find happiness and I just push him away and cant let him help. Im a horrible person and an awful girlfriend and my brain is a sack of shit and why would anyone ever love me.
All I want to do is curl up and cry but I cant because curling up hurts physically and I don’t have any tears to cry because im dehydrated because im yet again not looking after myself. I hate myself. I hate that this keeps happening..
Im pretty sure im still in the pre-christmas depressive episode. I don’t feel like ive climbed out of it yet. Its weird. I usually have by now. But I haven’t. And im worrying that I haven’t and im scared that I never will and my eye twitch is getting worse.
I have so many thoughts in my head and I don’t know where to start with trying to sort them all out and I don’t know what I should focus on first and this headfunk just wont shift and all I want to do is cuddle my david but I cant because hes not here and I feel like a failure for so many reasons because I cant fix myself and I cant help myself and I always end up back in this position and im 28 and cant support myself and I just fucked everything up and everything turns to shit and I just feel like ive ruined this before its even started and I don’t know what to do anymore.